Risk

“The decision to grow
always involves a choice
between risk and comfort”

No matter how tough life may challenge me,
i think it wont be a problem.
There is never a day i pass without a smile.

I dont know how you do it.
How you can easily flip my fear to a smile,
and a smile to a strength.

Never know a love like this.
how can i feel so peaceful with overflowing joy,
when clearly am struggling hard because of the risk i chose.

….
you gave me freedom to be myself,
even freedom to fail while fighting the risk i chose..

I fear nothing with you by my side..
You believe in me.
That i will do my best and will win over the risk.
I should believe in myself more, and work a little harder too!

ps : i will claim your proud smile later 😉

The power of love

Being loved
Being trusted
Being believed in
No matter how many times i did fail..
Give me unlimited strength..

***

Here are random conversations
from random people who love me for who i am.
People whom i will forever thankful to.

Someone (S), Me (M)

When I failed doing a design work :
M :  I can’t….. seems like i don’t have talent.
S  :  Talent is nothing than believing in yourself.
Believe in design, but first believe in yourself.
If you can believe in yourself, am sure you will shine.

When I kept dying while playing multi player online game :
M :  I can’t..  i think i should stop playing…..*super desperate and embarrassed*
S  :  *smiling* Well…. It is just a proof that you need my protections
in and outside the game.
That’s why i love you.

***

*indo mode*

Saat hal kecil yang berarti buat aku, yang sebenernya ga penting banget..
saat hal itu diperhatikan orang lain.
I feel like heaven.

when cappuccino opera cake instead of normal opera is sent.
when they turns the cheesecake into blue.. kekeke

***

3.15 AM. Deadline in 10 hours. Progress 15%. Panda eyes. Heavy head.
but i am smiling wide 🙂 i feel am loved and believed in by many..
my family, my man, my friends, my clients.

i should work harder for them 🙂

*semangat!*

Even miracles

Patience is counting down without blasting off
Have a backbone not a wishbone
People don’t fail, they give up

…

It’s midnight and i have deadline tomorrow.
I know i shouldnt be here, writing.. but i desperately need to organize my feeling.

*pause*
i don’t even know what i am thinking right now
so many things are popping out, screaming to ask me to think about.

this is one side of me i don’t like.
once in while i will become so superficial and melancholy..

God…….
no matter what the reality tells me.
i am still holding on Your Promise.
i still believe that you are God who provides..
except… you really think that what i am going to do is a bad decision.
or you may want me to alter it?

I really want that place, God…….
but…

i want what-you-think-is-the-best-for-me more.

am ready for the answer.

Mutual weirdness

Things that makes me happy lately :

• making cakes that he loves
• trying a new recipe
• calling just to hear his voice
• seeing my hyper energizer bear finally has his sleepy face

how I can be so loud or so quiet, so brave or so shy when he is around

You are right….
although we were never aware that we fell for each other,
we both realize how we can never lose each other
life is just not complete without you, my mutual weirdness mate 🙂

When we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours,
we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.

Seeding

Ak baru sadar arti kata “pasangan yang sepadan”. Dan ak ngerasa aku belom sepadan buat dia. Bulan ini dan bulan-bulan kedepan ak mau diproses lagi, Tuhan. Feel free tarik-tarik kapasitas aku supaya bisa jadi sepadan buat pasanganku. Tiap tetes air mata, peluh, tiap rasa capai, ak tau, it will be worth it. I want to be a perfect lady of God..
as what you describe in Proverb 31.

“Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap
but by the seeds that you plant”

Am back to basic again..
Mostly tentang gimana ak tempatin diri aku..
How to respect myself..
dan juga tentang deep deep commitment

***
Ah, that chocolate lava above, that’s my first home made that has his full compliment :”)
it sent me to the moon and back.

Transformation

Inget2 dulu, sejak aku SD, nilai rapot yang paling jelek selalu..
OLAHRAGA….. -_-”
Gimana ga jelek, sit up aja, ak ga bisa.
Lucu si kalau inget-inget lagi..
My wish for birthday were just as simple as :
“ak pingin waktu basket, shootku at least sentuh ring!”
“ak pingin bisa sit up.. masa setiap sit up, kalau ga dibantu badan melengkung ak ga bisa bangun?”

or.. how i feel like
the teacher wants to kill me.. waktu ak disuru loncat harimau >_<
gimana ngga… ak sukses cium matrasny in a hard hard way…..

and now… TARAAAA 😀
ak bisa sit up 4 set! thanks to my personal trainer!
seminggu tiga kali gym date tyt works!
ak ngerasa sehat 🙂 ini pertama kaliny ak looking forward every sport time.
masi banyak lemak disana sini..
tapi katanya 2-3 bulan lagi and i can see the major result 🙂
and the weirdest is… i do all the torture from my pt with a big big smile.

bukan kurusin diri, tapi untuk shaping 🙂
soalnya ak tau ak ini bungkuk.. inget tegak cuma bentar, trus bungkuk lagi..
walopun ak ini kurus, tapi perutku… paha dan lengan kiyur kiyur -_-”
ok i should stop jelek2in diri sendiri..
it improves slightly now :”) *proud*

next next next..
i start to learn cooking and baking
below is my latest creation 🙂

Lemon Grilled Chicken

for baking.. the latest one is macarons!
bentuknya memang masih belom pretty.. nanti coba lagi.. harus banyak latian spuit…

green tea macarons

dan kalau mau dipikir lagi….
it’s for him……
i have a strong strength i dont know where it comes from
i want to give him what money cant buy..
i know i can always make him happy, he loves me the way i am..
but i want him to have a girl with a perfect body
a woman who can make sure he has a delicious healthy meal everyday
a lady with a lady like attitude..
*learning about wine now.. *

yes, it started by doing it for him,
but as it is going, i feel like i owe him for making me like this.
i feel more confidence as i love myself more.

i never love someone till i want to give him beyond best of me..
till i want to go to the very basic.

i never feel so high and so low at the same time..
he makes me understand the balance of life 🙂

the same balance as
am God’s Princess that can have anything, can do everything.
but who am I?
am no more than a microscopic infinitesimal dust
am nothing.. compare to my Mighty Super God.

letter from the universe

What if,
you’re already doing everything right,
even though you’re not sure?

And the surprises along the way
have only sped things up,
even though it felt like
they slowed you down?

And all that you want
is now barreling towards you,
even though you can’t see it?

And when it arrives
it’ll exceed your every expectation,
even though your dreams were huge?

Wouldn’t you be making
some really weird noises about now?
Whoohoo’ing…
Howling…
maybe even
Whoohoo-howl-barking?

Well?

The Universe
 

ps: thank you God, for a huge inspiration boost today 🙂
pss: if your dreams dont scare you, it’s not big enough.

HIM and him

Mode : bahasa campur-campur

Balik ke Desember 2011,
Aku ngerasa clueless, future looked so blur, bingung terus setiap hari,
merasa serba salah harus pilih persimpangan yang mana.
Feel so empty somehow..
Then i made a decision to just throw everything!
Cuma gara-gara baca quote.. “When you get lost, you will find yourself”
I chose to go away and to get lost, from E V E R Y O N E who knows me.
Quit semua, even quit being a designer, bye bye all the relationship burden..
Let’s go to somewhere alone!
Pinginnya meditasi ala Eat Pray Love.. Pingin diskusi pribadi ama Tuhan…
Protes.. tanya.. dan minta penjelasan.. ak harus gimana ini…

So anyway, kadang-kadang, GOD itu nyebelin.. HE is selalu nyebelin.. -_-“…
Di saat ak sudah siap untuk kehilangan semuanya..
Just one day before it happened.. while i was saying bye bye..
HE gave me a really really big surprise.
Seeeeeee… how HE loves to cut things really close..

A surprise that literally changed me.. complete me.. and mostly enlighten me 🙂
And since then, i feel like am the luckiest, richest girl ever..

And all my scars don’t seem to matter anymore
Cause they led me here to you

Till now.. am still asking HIM..
how can i thank HIM for him?

It has been days.. when awake is so so much better than sleeping..
when everyday.. ak yang males selalu jadi putri kesiangan..
selalu so excited dengerin wekerku tiap pagi
always cant wait to greet HIM and him good morning 🙂

love you my KING and my prince ♥
hello future 🙂 am ready to rock you!

ps: from this i learn that..
sometimes, God wants me to let go things..
strip myself to nothing..
and i just have to trust HIM 🙂
cause nothing means nothing as long as i have HIM, The Everything!

Leaving..

water

There a little funny fact about us..
me and both my brothers..
we are scared of height..
be it skyscraper building, elevator
(God.. i remember transparent skydeck in melbie >_<),
or even a ladder..
worst, if we simply see fear factor during a height dare..
we got scared already..

and when we do..

we produce water -_-‘
so many sweat will fill our little hand and feet..

lucu banget kedengerannya..
but the scary feeling aint funny at all

sebenernya, bukan karena ketinggian yang buat ak takut..
masih bisa kok ketawa ketiwi pura pura berani
lalu menertawai tangan basahku yang ga mo kompromi..

tapi kalau bener-bener mau jujur…
yang buat ak takut itu perasaan kalau ak bakal jatuh..
the feeling when i fall and no one will catch me..
it scares me so much..

and that little fact is reflected to my life in some point..

saat ak harus buat keputusan yang harus ak tanggung sendiri akibatnya
saat ak merasa sendirian harus melangkah di ketinggian
saat ak engga percaya diri apa ak akan ambil pilihan yang tepat..
walopun berlagak baik baik saja, sok ketus pura-pura bisa..
am really crying so bad inside..
screaming and craving for answer..

and that point is coming now…

God.. which one i should choose?

will i fall or will i fly?